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Ask the Experts: Is she having an affair?

'Lately I feel like I can’t trust my wife and I suspect she may be having an affair.' Our expert Winnie offers her advice.

Dear Winnie,

I feel really silly for writing to you but I am so worried I cannot sleep! I am a married man, we have been together for 15 years and we have two children. Lately I have the sense that something is wrong and I feel like I can’t trust my wife. She has started wearing more make-up and dressing up to go to work and she has mentioned a man from work’s name quite a lot recently. She also started going to the gym a few months ago.

I have a feeling she may be having an affair with him but I cannot be sure and I find it hard to broach the subject. I love my wife and I don’t want her to leave me. What should I do?

Charles

Dear Charles,

I can imagine how confused and upset you must be feeling at the moment and hope that you will be able to find a way forward with some advice and support.

Of course, you cannot know for sure what is happening with your wife and whether she is having an affair without sitting down and talking with her. I would suggest finding a quiet time when you know you won’t be disturbed and calmly ask her about the recent changes you have noticed. Hopefully you can have an honest discussion and find out what is happening for your wife at this point.

It could well be that she is indeed seeing someone else and although this would be very difficult for you, many couples work though infidelity with support such as couples counselling.

On the other hand perhaps she is purely enjoying taking pleasure in her appearance and looking after herself at the gym. Perhaps the man at work is just a pleasant colleague.

Whatever the cause of her recent change in appearance, it will be useful to explore both of your feelings and consider talking to a relationships counsellor, either together or separately.

Visit Relate for more support

Relate have many years’ experience of providing support to people who need help with their relationships, including where one partner has been having an affair. You can contact them by phone, email or live chat and can also arrange to talk to someone at one of their centres.

Good luck and best wishes,

Winnie

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